I don't need pity!

Next morning when I was awake and still lying in my bed debating whether or not should I climbed out of the bed, as I was failed to figure out one good reason to go in the shower, my debate was interrupted by the loud banging on the front door of the apartment. For a moment I considered to ignore it but with every passing second the banging was getting louder and shriller. Throwing aside the duvet, I dragged myself out of the warm bed and pushed myself towards the door. Usually it takes me only thirty seconds to reach the front door but today it took me ninety seconds.

“Have you died or what?” Priya shrieked as I yanked open the door.

“Lower down your voice. My head is bursting” I walked back towards the kitchen counter as she slammed the door shut before following me inside the apartment.

“Adhaya! Where is your phone? Why is it switched off?? Do you have any idea how many times have I tried to call you and how worried was I when I didn’t get hold of you? You little bimbo!” She tetchily asked me.

“Look I am already stressed and by asking all this questions you are really freaking me out” I said sternly. “My phone is somewhere there shoved in the sofa. It is switched off because I don’t wish to hear all those “poor you” and “don’t be upset” and “everything will be fine” things from you and anyone else. I don’t need your pity!” I added haughtily. There was an awkward silence before Priya opened her moth again.

“Couldn’t you wait in office for me to I arrive? I would have walked you home. AND I do not pity you for your information. I was just being worried for you!” she crocked and suddenly I felt bad for being so rude to her in the first place.

“Don’t worry for me. Damage has been done. I will sort it out…at least I hope to sort it out” I said and before I could knew a single fat tear rolled out on my left cheek. Priya stepped closer to me and dragged me in a hug. “Don’t cry…we will sort it out” she said in a shivering voice. Whenever she tries too hard to not to cry, her voice shivers and her nose turns into strange color of red.

“How? I have ruined it with my hands. I am such an emotional fool. What will I do now? How will I pay the rent? Who will give me another job?” I heard myself saying still locked inside the safest arms on the planet.

“Don’t think about it just now. We have plenty of time to worry about all the things. Right now what all you need is just a good cup of coffee and tons of breakfast. You know you are allowed to eat yourself to death under the crucial circumstances like after being dumped or sudden unemployment” she said innocently and I couldn’t resist letting a little laugh to escape from my trembling lips. “Now you just go and wash your face and I will cook you a good breakfast” Priya walked me to the bathroom and gave me a half hug before turning on her Aldo’s and clattering towards the kitchen.

“Don’t you think it seriously bit too much of the breakfast?” I asked while taking the plate from the table loaded with three egg-white’s omelet, two brown bread slices with Nutella all over them and a portion of garlic bread and settled on the sofa.

“I bet you haven’t eaten anything since yesterday and you must be practically starving by now” Priya placed the pot of coffee and two mugs on the table, flopped on the sofa just next to me and started munching on her toast while letting all the bread crumbs falling on her beautiful UCB green chiffon dress.

“To be honest I didn’t eat from a night before yesterday when I went out with Vikrant” as I said his name, all the things from that night came flooding back in my mind.

“Hey! What exactly had happened?” She asked gingerly and while shoving one thing and then the other in my mouth from my plate, I told her entire story all over again. And strangely I felt much lighter. Priya had been a great listener, she listened to me without any ‘awwwwwwwwwwws’, ‘ooooooohhhhhs’ and ‘shits’ much to my relief.

“Hmmmm….Don’t worry we will sort it out” Priya threw her hands around my shoulders and by the look of her eyes I knew she meant it. “Coffee?” she said extracting herself from me and leaning on the table to fill the mugs.

“I love you” once again I felt tears in my eyes. I always knew Priya would always be there whenever I need her but today when she was here sitting on my sofa and munching bread with me while listening my unemployment story, I felt maybe my life is not all that bad.

“I love you too babes” she said and passed me my mug.

Signing off:

Unemployed girl in the big city!!

No more tears!

How did it happen? Where things went wrong? What did I do? What will I do now? What will I say to my parents? What will Priya say on my out-of-the-blue-unemployment? Why on the earth I overreacted on this rebound thing when I myself was just playing this dating game for the sake of my job and increased salary? How will I pay the rent now? How will i….. Oh gosh! I am getting mad. In last four hours I have asked these questions zillion times to myself but have failed to figure out even one answer. I have ruined my career and my life.

I am sitting on my sofa still in this way too frilly yellow frock, looking awful and feeling cold. I exactly don’t remember walking out of the Natasha’s office after getting myself fired and reaching home. Did I walk? Hail the cab? Grab the train? I don’t know. I don’t know anything other than the reality and reality is that I am fired and sitting in my studio apartment and now I have no idea what will I do. I didn’t realize how long I have been sitting on the sofa without moving a single muscle until my phone brings me back to life. I fish in my old battered Tommy Hilfiger bag (which I bought in my good old days i.e when I had a job) and haul out my BlackBerry. It’s Vikrant calling. Without allowing myself a moment I hit the red button, switched it off and shove it inside the sofa. I never ever wish to hear from him. Ever again. I can feel hot tears pressing at back of my eyes; initially I try to swallow them back but then think better off and let them drip down in my lap. I want to let myself cry, yell, feel like a shit. Maybe it will teach me how not to ruin my life if I ever get around to built it again and use my brain instead of my daft heart be it in my personal life or professional life. Though as of now both of them are in tatter, spoiled and nearly finished.

After crying for solid twenty minutes, I drag myself towards the bed, en-route remove the hair band and dash it out of the window. Throwing myself on the bed, I pull the duvet over my head and let myself engulf in sadness. I don’t remember how long but I let myself cry until there are no more tears to roll out from my puffy eyes, my throat is soar and all I could manage is to sob , sob until my throat aches some more and my heart beats little more slower. I won't even mind if it stops right now beacuse it's hurting more with every heart beat.

Signing off:

Fired girl in the big city!!

How could it happen??

After that horrendous evening next day I woke up around ten-ish and by now the seven coats of (gorgeous) M.A.C mascara which I applied last night in the office bathroom had melted down on my face, my hair was bird nest and my eyes were all puffy and I WAS LATE. Somehow I dragged myself out of the duvet and pushed myself towards the bathroom, stripping off the cloths; I turn the shower on and let the hot water ran through my exhausted body. My mind was blank but my eyes were filled with disgustingly salty liquid. After last night I didn’t know what to think, whom to talk or even where to put myself after making utter fool out of myself.  Turning the shower off, I stepped out of the bathroom cubicle, padded towards my wardrobe and changed into yellow frilly frock which I bought few months back while strolling on the fashion street but never dared to wear. It was frilly, way too frilly. But today who cares, today I was feeling horrible and now I was looking one.

I reached office at ten past eleven A.M and walked straight to the Natasha’s cabin; let myself count to three before knocking on the slightly ajar door.

“Yeah! Come in” Natasha’s shrill voice came from the other side of the door.

“Hey. Morning” I managed to display a faint smile as I stepped in.

“Morn…eww….. What do you think where are you? In a park for a picnic?” her eyebrows were woven together and she was looking at me closely with narrow eyes from head to toe and everything in between.

“I don’t know what you are talking about” I said blankly.

“What with this frock, those havains and that hair band? Do you have even a vaguest of idea that we are in office and we are trying to work here? I will be happy if you stop behaving and dressing up like sixteen years old and seriously do some work” She growled, her eyes over her Gandhi spectacles were piercing through my body.

“Work is what I come to talk about” I was trying very hard not to look in her eyes because I knew the moment I would look up I won’t be able to tell even my own name.

“Really? What is it?” her face softened and I could see her invisible fangs going back in her mouth.

“Natasha, I can’t do this blog thing. I know you are thinking that I am not responsible enough to even take my job seriously but trust me it is not true. I tried very hard to get this blog done until the last night when I came across the fact that the guy I was dating for the sake of this job just considers me a rebound. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t meet him again.” I explained everything in one go, successfully avoiding her gaze and even when I was saying those words I could feel lump in my dry throat.

“Who do you think am I?” she shrieked and I could feel anger rising in her voice.

“Sorry!” I croak.

“I knew from the very first day I knew that whoever this guys you were talking about doesn’t even exist. You were making all this nonsense stories. That was the reason why you didn’t hand me down the entries. And now when you had to give me some solid write ups, you have failed to work out and now you are giving me this stupid excuse…” She was shooting me daggers.

“But Nats…..” I tried to defend but she did let me speak. “ You filthy bitch, if you had been so serious about your job, you would have found another man to date with, to save your job but no you are standing here looking like a nightmare, utter shame to this magazine and ranting in front of me” she screeched. What? How could she call me bitch? How could she even think that I was not serious about my job? The job for which I lied to my parents, the job for which I am staying in this big city all alone instead of the fact that I am scared to sleep in the dark and I just can’t cook a decent meal for myself not even for once or I don’t even have enough friends to talk to. She couldn’t be fucking serious.

“Natasha you are taking it completely in a wrong directing. I love my job and I am damn serious about it” I howled.

“I wish, I just wish the later could be true but whatever…. I can’t let the people like you stay in this magazine given when we are seriously thinking about restructuring and taking this magazine to the whole new and much higher level!” she said in a dangerously calm voice.

“Wha…What… What do you mean by that?” I certainly would have heard it wrong. It couldn’t happen.

“Adhaya! You have been a big disappointment to me and to this magazine. I can’t let things run like this in here. I am sorry but you have to go. You are fired.” She said.

“What?”

“Go and gather your stuff and then you are free to walk out”

“Natasha you can’t do it”

“It’s done. Goodbye!”

Signing off:

Once again girl in the tears in the big city!!

I am hurt!

When I left the office at Tuesday evening, it was still raining outside. Stepping out on the pavement I yank opened my aqua-blue umbrella which was hiding somewhere deep down in my hand bag. When you live in the city like Mumbai you can’t step out of your house without handy umbrella because you never know when the scorching sun will be shoved back by the grey clouds and when the harmful UV rays would be replaced by horrendous thunderstorm.

Nevertheless, after waiting for good twenty minutes and waving my hands frantically in the middle of the road for several times I finally managed to hail the cab at almost the double rent. By the time driver pulled the cab outside the Hard Rock Café I was 200 INR down. Bloody mugger! As I climbed out of the cab I saw Vikrant walking towards the café entrance.

“Oui!” I waved as he stopped and turned to face me. He was looking heart-stopping gorgeous in blue Levi’s and black shirt. How on earth he always managed to look this amazing. Gosh! I couldn’t remember when was the last time when I looked stunning, let alone effortlessly stunning. HA!

“Hey!” he gave me quick peck on the cheeks. Well, I didn’t think it was a quick peck because he lingered on my left cheek a bit longer. He smelt David Off. Together we ventured inside the café and housed on the table at the extreme right just few meters away from the live performance area.

“Sorry. I couldn’t come to pick you up!” he said.

“It’s all right. Nothing big. Trust me.” I waved my hand nonchalantly. “I am sure whatever occupied you must had been very important”.

“No. Not really.” Was it only I who think or did he really flinch? After ordering beer for himself and orange juice for me, he asked me about my day and I told him how humanly Natasha talked to me today much to my surprise.

“Enough about me. How was your day?” I asked as our order arrived.

“It was ok. It could be bad but somehow I managed to keep it ok” he flinched again. What was it? What was the problem with this drop-dead handsome hunk?

“Sorry. I didn’t really understand how it could bad! Is everything all right?” I asked gingerly.

“Yeah! It’s just my ex. She stopped by my flat today and we had this huge fight and she really did put me off. That was the reason I text you that I couldn’t come because she was there the whole day, fighting, arguing and strangely defending herself” he tutted and rest of his words fell faintly on my ears after the word ex, his ex. Crap!  

“ummm…”I squawked.

“Anyway, I was so looking forward to meet you. Meeting you always made me feel so relaxed” he smiled and I couldn’t know how to react. I was still trying to process what he just said about his ex.

“What exactly happened between you and….your ex?” I silently patted myself for being so brave to get the words out without stammering. What was wrong with me? Why was I feeling so sad?

“Oh! I didn’t realize you are still thinking about her. Well I usually don’t go in details about my past relations but since you ask…… Well she cheated on me with her best friend’s fiancé in my apartment, in my room when I was away in Thailand for an assignment” he said and I sat there, letting this information sink in.

Somehow I managed to gulp down my orange juice and before he could order the main course I had to pretend I was unwell and literally ran from the café without giving him chance to utter a single word. I couldn’t sit there and look at him!

Sitting in the cab I couldn’t help but let tears rolled out from my eyes. I mean I knew I was only on the second date with this guy whom I didn’t know until one month back  but just the thought that I was the bloody rebound thing for him sent the shiver down my spine. Off course even I was dating him just for the sake of my job and there was just nothing between me and him but I didn’t know why but I couldn’t believe that the entire time when we met or talked, he was just talking or meeting to me to take his mind off, I was simply nobody to him.

I can’t do this. I can’t meet or talk to him again no matter what. Tomorrow first thing in the morning, I will tell Natasha that I can’t do this blog thing. Damn! I don’t know why on earth I am feeling hurt when there was nothing serious between us. And why am I even crying? ‘For fuck sake stop being a weeper and get control of yourself’ I am yelling at me but it seems that my mind has choose not to listen to me and my heart has choose to keep going back to every detail of this awful evening again and again and again.

Signing off:
Girl in tears in the big city!!!